Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
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My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I need to update my racial profile.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!