Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
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When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
This pepper has seen some $h1t.
Geez man, take it easy.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them