Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”

Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”

3 yr old: starts sobbing.

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.

I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.

ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?

Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

Me: *Asks question on snapchat*

Them: *Answers question on snapchat*

Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.