Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

*first day of umpire school*

Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?

Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.

I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok