@Mr_Kapowski

Me: As a descendant of Genghis Khan, I am more than comfortable on a horse!

Kid: Mister, you have to put a quarter in for them to go around

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@J0hnnyBlaze

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

@ArfMeasures

Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box

@djdarrellripley

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

@Parkerlawyer

*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”

@sonictyrant

Me: can i get that last tub of frozen cow juice ?

Sales assistant: oh ha ha, thats ben and jerry’s

Me: *Leans in and slides a 50 over the counter* i wont tell em if you dont

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 cards in the world, library, get well, business, gift, and Captain Jean Luc Pi.

@humanaaron

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

@ThaJawn

Me: *dying

Priest: God has a plan

Me: *dies, goes to heaven

God: Great you’re here. Can you get me the remote off the table?

@abbycohenwl

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid