Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
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Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
gm
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”