If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Me: As a descendant of Genghis Khan, I am more than comfortable on a horse!
Kid: Mister, you have to put a quarter in for them to go around
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Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Me: can i get that last tub of frozen cow juice ?
Sales assistant: oh ha ha, thats ben and jerry’s
Me: *Leans in and slides a 50 over the counter* i wont tell em if you dont
Shout out to the top 5 cards in the world, library, get well, business, gift, and Captain Jean Luc Pi.
I can’t stop laughing at this
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Priest: God has a plan
Me: *dies, goes to heaven
God: Great you’re here. Can you get me the remote off the table?
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid