Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight