Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in

Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.

Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”

Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?

Her: Sure, I’d love to

Me: Wtf is wrong with you

Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.

ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’

HER: I need to see other people.

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.

when nothing goes right… go left

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.