Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

Delete hinge and date that nice man who lives in his van down by the river

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.

If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time

Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*

I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure this Santa shaped chocolate oughta settle my stomach

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify