Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.

crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance

Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here

I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”

It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?

Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.