[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
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Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
bears
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?