Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

Bringing back this classic

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

The day after Christmas is wild.

I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

Me too 😆

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”

He was like “yeah, but never 3”

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.