[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
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if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Social Media and Real life
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.