[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
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The Sun’s probably Asian.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!