[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
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My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.