[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
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Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.