Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

The most avoided species of shark is the Loan

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!

“I’ll get gold”

“Frankincense”

“I’ll get myrrh”

Me: Can babies vape?

King: Actually 3 wise men is fine

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.