Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.

Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.