Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
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My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.