Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”

Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”

Darth Vader: >:(

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

the greatest twitter interaction

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza

“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.

⛄️

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”