Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.

Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead