Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if I made a cactus delicious?

– pineapple inventor

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

I’m really shy in RL.

But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

Someone just threatened to call me later

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.

Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.

Me: Gross.

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.