@ArfMeasures

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

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@moooooog35

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

@T_Bonezzz_

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

@PleaseBeGneiss

[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton

@iamrandomape

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

@nthonyswan

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

@KeyLimeShy

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

@Cpin42

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

@HatfieldAnne

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

@HeyZeus666

What if God IS a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I’ll never hear the end of it.