[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
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[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
describing stardew valley
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”