[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

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Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection



…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time


[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton


SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery


Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.


They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?


If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard


For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.


What if God IS a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I’ll never hear the end of it.