Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE

I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.

Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

Happiness is…

finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator

When you forget you’re at the restaurant.

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…