[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
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casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I triple waxed for this?
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*