[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
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Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
“i miss shittin on people”
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Asking the real questions!
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”