[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
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I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
men, we mow at sunrise.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
My daily affirmation
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.