Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]

ME: oh no, is it my time?!

GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR

if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.

WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.

ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.