[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
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me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.