Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

Me: What’s for dinner?

Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.

Me: What?

*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*

Me: You may have a problem

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

ME: I’m taking it back.

WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.

ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.