[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
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*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.