Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
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dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Cartman: Respect my
a a
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.