Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

[first day as an architect]

boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”

me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”

boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”

me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*

So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.

Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.

When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer