Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
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Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
“What?”
– Jude
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
#TopTip
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.