Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever

I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.

{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

Phonetics

“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”

Hi serious this is dad

“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”

HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!

I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.