Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
You Might Also Like
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Matthew was born for this.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
what does he know…
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd