ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
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Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT