ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
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Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
this is so top tier i cant
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.