Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.

“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”

Do you have any ‘baes’?

“Please leave”

thankfully, most bananas are boneless

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation

who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight

Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.

No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.