ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
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Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
My love language is hissing.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I found your tweet-up…