Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.

ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED

It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.

That stupid look on my face, is my face

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

[Dark alley at midnight]

*Knife-wielding punk approaches

Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”

*Punk sneers & raises knife

*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend

Your soulmate is too smart to date you

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

Him: do you have a pen?

Me: yes. (walks away)

Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.

Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent