Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
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Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Finally! 😈
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?
me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.