Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
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[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”