Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
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I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
I drew y’all a little something.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
It’s a gift
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
Put a ring on it
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.