Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
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If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD