Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.

What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

“Did you read the fine print?”

Me: I didn’t even read the large print

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

the rocks need my help

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️