Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

Pro tip for my good boys out there

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets

ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.

*violence noises

In case you needed to hear it:

Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.