Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible

7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god

Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak

23. the denim jacket

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.

Do I have to wear real clothes?

-my kid on the last day of school

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.