ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
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Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
What’s the point buying it then?
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR