Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.

Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.

To make a long story short:

Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die

Alien: Take me to your leader.

Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite

Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?