Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.