me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
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I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.