me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
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DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”