@ProZD

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

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@Marlebean

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

@kumailn

The Devil has his own Bible. He’s releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.

@3sunzzz

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

@jacob_swift16

Her: I just don’t like you, no one does
Me: What, why? is it my hair?
Her: no
Me: MY LOOKS!?
Her: no, it’s your personality
Me: oh thank god

@OctopusCaveman

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

@junejuly12

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

@PedersenAhmed

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

@palmersword

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

@rdthought

Girlfriend: Stop lying around on the couch all day.
Me: But you said we needed to start conserving energy.