me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
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I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup