Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
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Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Morning all.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Church Pugh’s
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30