Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.

I think he’s my soulmate.

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?

Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?

Parents: go to your room.

Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible

Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?

Date: *biting lip* oh yea

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

My birthstone is kidney

Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

Lassie, get help!

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

My neck, my back, my…

Me: you should join Twitter.

Them: I don’t even like people.

Me: then you’re gonna love it.

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

that’s just… not what monogamy means??

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.