[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
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[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.