[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
You Might Also Like
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Is this the real life?
Is this just
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.