Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
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“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.