Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

Memoirs of a Fish Stick

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

Plot twist:

“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.

Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

[bedtime]

DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.

DAUGHTER: …

ME: Night, sweetheart.