Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
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No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
it’s finally my moment to shine
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Okey dokey.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.