Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
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Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
getting seasonal up in here
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Don’t forget to tip your server
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.