Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
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[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Oh deer
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.