Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

i guess his teacher was really pissed

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?

“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.

New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…