Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!

Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”

Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:

HDMI

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.

They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?