Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”

-Trumpsylvania, how about you?

“North Trumpkota”

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

her: wanna be my fwb?

me: friends with bacon???

her: …

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?

My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

*drinks Grey Goose

*adds bird fanatic to the resume

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator