ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
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They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.