[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
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Time for evil
Monday Lisa
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
An odd boast
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.