Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever

Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.