Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.

Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

[right after sex]

Me: so that was uhh-

The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!

Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot

Me: Did you end it early?

Date: No I wanna finish this dessert

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

your honor my client chooses dare

Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.

A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.

#ParentingFacts

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

[my first day as a bank teller]

guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal

me: i’ll need to see some ID sir

guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID

me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?

guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery

me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?

Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you