me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
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Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.