me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
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LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Sponch
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny