me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
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I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
why am I working on Labor Day
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.